AHHHHHHHH!!!!

my anxiety is out of control.

it's this intense feeling that's completely overwhelming. it used to happen when andy would play video games. i would sit there and hear things repeated over and over again. my chest starts tightening and i need to get out. leave. run.

i haven't had much problems with it lately. until the past couple days.

i was at work the other day; no one else was around. everyone had gone home. i don't know what it was but it felt like i couldn't breathe. like i needed air. i needed fresh air. i couldn't sit at the computer anymore. i couldn't be there anymore. i NEEDED to leave. get out. go. run.

then yesterday, i don't know when it started for sure. in the car, erik was playing dubstep- loudly. he had to change the music. then we're home and he's playing his new video game... and i'm sitting there. freaking out. my chest is tight. my head is in a cloud. i feel trapped. i feel helpless. i want to get out. but i can't. i don't know what to do. my brain can't function. i feel like i can't breathe. and the game keeps repeating the same words. keeps talking. keeps moving.

my lovely mother attempts to save me. she attempts to reiki me from a far. i don't know how much i believe it. i do feel it. but then my anxiety. tension. heart beats faster. getting worse. freaking out. brain going everywhere. i call her. she doen't answer. i call her again. i need to know. is she doing this? i contemplate taking drugs. no drugs.

she said she thinks it's my thyroid. which helps my heart. which is why i'm freaking out. which is why my chest is tight and my heart is going a mile a minute. she thinks i need bowenwork. i guess we'll see.

i just want it to stop. i want to know why this is happening. why now? what starts it? why does it happen?  how can i stop it? i apparently might have an appt on wednesday. i guess we'll see.