AHHHHHHHH!!!!

my anxiety is out of control.

it's this intense feeling that's completely overwhelming. it used to happen when andy would play video games. i would sit there and hear things repeated over and over again. my chest starts tightening and i need to get out. leave. run.

i haven't had much problems with it lately. until the past couple days.

i was at work the other day; no one else was around. everyone had gone home. i don't know what it was but it felt like i couldn't breathe. like i needed air. i needed fresh air. i couldn't sit at the computer anymore. i couldn't be there anymore. i NEEDED to leave. get out. go. run.

then yesterday, i don't know when it started for sure. in the car, erik was playing dubstep- loudly. he had to change the music. then we're home and he's playing his new video game... and i'm sitting there. freaking out. my chest is tight. my head is in a cloud. i feel trapped. i feel helpless. i want to get out. but i can't. i don't know what to do. my brain can't function. i feel like i can't breathe. and the game keeps repeating the same words. keeps talking. keeps moving.

my lovely mother attempts to save me. she attempts to reiki me from a far. i don't know how much i believe it. i do feel it. but then my anxiety. tension. heart beats faster. getting worse. freaking out. brain going everywhere. i call her. she doen't answer. i call her again. i need to know. is she doing this? i contemplate taking drugs. no drugs.

she said she thinks it's my thyroid. which helps my heart. which is why i'm freaking out. which is why my chest is tight and my heart is going a mile a minute. she thinks i need bowenwork. i guess we'll see.

i just want it to stop. i want to know why this is happening. why now? what starts it? why does it happen?  how can i stop it? i apparently might have an appt on wednesday. i guess we'll see.

life is short

don't work so hard.

don't wait.

don't do anything you'll regret. don't do anything you'll forget.

don't be consumed by anything.

evolve.

this is my month

today i dropped my spoon in my coffee... and my coffee was too hot for me to get the spoon out of the mug. lol. just my luck.

bible study

last night at bible study i told this joke and i'm still chuckling to myself... so i figured i'd share it.

adam comes home after being gone for a few days to eve upset. "what's going on?" he wonders. "you're with another woman!" he says, "there's only you! that's it!"
with that he goes to sleep only to be awoken by someone poking him... it's eve poking him with a stick. "what are you doing?!" he says. "I'M COUNTING YOUR RIBS!"

today started like any other day...

today started out like any other day. i got up, made coffee (diesel, my new specialty since we got our new coffee grinder/reusable filter), went on facebook, read fml for a bit, got dressed, did my hair/makeup, prepare my coffee and make some breakfast before running out the door.

now erik is not usually a part of my routine. i get up; he stays in bed. i leave for work; he gets up. routine, people. problem being, erik didn't sleep well. so there's the nyquil out on the counter and as i'm trying to QUIETLY pick up the mess that is my clothing in our TINY bedroom, he gets up.

i always feel badly for the sick man. and he's gotten sick quite often this winter but that never stops me from wanting to take care of him.

so noticing that the sugar is basically out (i seriously was going to wait until he filled it... i know, mean. but i had to go to work), i reached up to get the sugar and what happens? BAKING SODA ALL OVER ME. worse? ALLLLLLL IN MY COFFFFEEEEE!!!! how on earth am i supposed to get through this day with diesel baking soda coffee and a half of diesel baking soda peanut butter sandwich? i feel like i'm breathing baking soda. don't worry, after the coffee and breakfast is gone, i'll still have my black sweater to remind me of the morning :)

dream apartment

there are certain things i love about moving. i love the adventure. not really knowing how everything will work, where everything will fit... starting new.
i looove starting new. fresh. everything has a blank slate and an open outlook.

there are certain things i hate about moving. lifting heavy boxes. having to get rid of stuff. things breaking. lifting heavy boxes. that one deserves to at least be mentioned twice.

i hate the way the boxes feel in your hands. slipping boxes. hard to hold. climbing stairs...

the good thing is that we'll just be moving across the hall. this i love. the problem i'm having now is i don't know when we'll actually move... since it's just across the hall... and i've never actually seen the place. erik has. he says it's bigger. but he knows nothing of how many windows, what the color of the floors are, what color the walls are.... he's such a big help.

that being said, here is the list of items from urban outfitters that if someone happened to buy me as ...say a house warming gift... i'd be more than happy to accept. :)

how come pillows are so expensive if they're so small??

but aren't these just the cutest???

this is much needed. this one oinks. ours is like a fire alarm. and no it's not because i burn things... most times.



this is for erik. he a)loves cookies whether or not he'd admit it
and b) loves skulls... i don't know if he really loves them
or if i've just come to the conclusion that he loves them
and therefore force him to love them... hmm...



i loved this print as curtains, but i think i love the bedspread more.
that way i could get away with pretty and coloreful and still not violate
erik's no flowers rule...



these curtains i could live with in the living room
 not too girly, but not too manly either

and this would jazz them up just enough.
someday i will get erik to love flower prints/flowers as much as i do... or maybe just make it so he doesn't not like them as much



i'll admit it. i love mugs.
you get me a mug. i'm happy.



we have a pretty cute shower curtain,
but i'm ready for a cuter one. isn't this just super happy??

this could be cute any where, spelling something out or just e/e squared. :)

for future dress makings :)

so adorable.



i'd prefer the real thing but for now, george will do



this is perfect. i love birch trees.
hence, wedding theme. i love this
as wall paper too.

AHHH!!

so i've basically started a blog for everything except myself.

these are the things that are going on now:

• hopefully moving into a new apt with a washer/dryer within the next month (aren't i a real grown up)
• first book club meeting April 22nd at miss amy's apt
• girls night out with emily kelley and sam this friday
• bible study meetings still tuesday afternoon
• trying to figure out a way to fit my family into the mess
• WORKING
• knitting my blanket
• figuring out how to sew
• making a quilt
• so many other crafting projects i need to write them all down so i can keep them all straight
• being in the happy newly wedded bliss (how long does this last for?)

wow. just writing most of this down gives me a headache.

someday i'd like to quit my day job and work for myself doing something... we'll see how far i get with that.